Sometimes it’s just about showing up for yourself.

It feels like forever since I last wrote. In reality, I think it’s only been a couple of weeks or so. But a whole lot has happened.

The last few weeks have been rough. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time at all you’ll know that I had recently moved from a small town in Cumbria called Kendal, to the western side of the Lake District to work on a campsite. It was a move both me and my boyfriend Andy were super excited for. The site we were working on was beautiful, and the area had all we wanted in terms of climbing and running. It was the perfect fit. Or so I assumed.

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Honestly, I had never felt less like myself. Typically I like to pride myself on being able to roll with the punches, on being able to accept whatever comes my way and adapt quickly to change. So, when I suddenly found myself miserable, spending nights crying and days where I felt paralysed, unable to get out of bed, I knew something was wrong.

I’ve never spent much time on the blog discussing my mental health before, but that’s not because i’m ashamed of it, more it just wasn’t a huge part of my life anymore. Back when I was around 17 I had suffered pretty badly from depression, which continued until the age of 20. Following that, I found myself making some pretty big life changes such as dropping out of uni, rediscovering passions and making new friendships, all in a bid to help fight the dark thoughts in my head. And, for the most part it worked. I was never totally immune from bad days, but they became few and far between. I learned ways to refocus my mind and distract myself and, ultimately, I was a heck of a lot happier.

Cue, the intense paralysing fear and sheer disappointment when my depression started to return. I had worked so hard, fought so many battles to get to where  I am today. Here, I was in arguably one of the most beautiful places in the UK, and I found myself unable to appreciate or smile about anything. I felt lost. 

It’s funny sitting here writing this now, seeing as one of the last posts I wrote was this one, where I discussed how I had received a fair few compliments on how perfect my life seemed. And, right now I guess I sit here writing this with my tail slightly between my legs, almost embarrassed that i’m struggling, when honestly I think the first step is to admit that once again, no one has everything going for them. We all struggle. We all have our own battles that we must fight against. We may not always win, but we just have to show up.

So what now?

Well in case you hadn’t already guessed, I left the job. And, am currently sat jobless alongside Andy at my parents house back in London. Some would call this giving up, but for me i’m just showing up for myself. I’m putting myself first and figuring out exactly what I need right now to get through the black haze in my mind.

I want to finish this post by saying that I truly do love the Lake District, i’m pretty sure i’m it’s biggest advocate. The time I spent there was healing in so many ways. It’s where I learned what I was capable of, how to stand on my own two feet, where me and Andy created our first home together. It will always be a place held so so dear to my heart. But for now, I know I need to be somewhere where I can get more of the type of help I need. Where I can take several steps back and figure where to go from here. I may not be 100% okay, but i’m working on it, and for now, that’s enough.

As for the future, I am far from done both on this blog and in my life itself. Whilst this time at home is about rest, it’s also about figuring out what I need from any new home I may have. And Andy and I have been researching a few places we could move to, and plan on taking a couple of trips within the next week to see if we like any of them.

Sending my love xxxx

 

Any thoughts or comments are always welcomed

 

 

It’s a wrap folks.

Where has time gone???

One second i’m moving my life up north, suitcases all packed, endless cozy blankets and fairy lights in tow. And the next, I’m packing everything up again, wondering if somehow, overnight, my belongings have multiplied.

I’m no stranger to goodbyes. I’ve been through the process all too many times now, but it doesn’t ever seem to get any easier. I always find myself turning into a blubbering mess around this time. Honestly. I even cried watching ‘how I met your mother’ last night, for real. 

But, it’s funny, because I think back to this time last year, and how similar it was. A year ago today I was about to embark on a new life on the coast, moving out of my family home (for good this time), trying out a new job, creating new friends. It was all just beginning. One year later and here I am doing exactly the same..preparing for something new.

It’s an adventure.

The last 6 months have been so good to me, and that’s not to say it all went swimmingly, because it for sure didn’t. I definitely had my fair share of dramas, from difficult housemates, switching jobs, getting lyme’s and ending up needing surgery. But, as a firm believer that nothing in life is random, every hardship here led me to something greater, or a lesson learned. Moving has definitely made me more accepting of the idea of change, that’s for sure! And, ultimately, i’ve had some of the best moments of my life here, from my first multi pitch climb, to ticking off more mountains and sampling all the local coffee from the area.

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But, i’m ready to move on. I’m ready to try my hand at a different sort of lifestyle, and job too. It just feels like it’s time.

As for the blog, I really hope I can keep writing. There’s no wifi, downside to #caravanlife, but i’m hoping we will find a nearby pub that doesn’t mind my regular wifi usage.

So for now, wishing you guys a beautiful, restful summer, and I hope to write to you all soon! (P.s if you find yourself in the lakes, hit me up!)

 

Over to you:

Any exciting summer plans?

Best thing you ate today? Had THE BEST flapjack from this cute independent bakery/deli in Kendal

 

 

 

The comparison trap + life is messy.

So Andy and I are currently in the midst of packing up our lives and preparing to move (again). As much as I move around, I honestly don’t seem to get anymore comfortable with it, I get super angsty, grumpy and just all round stressed. I make lists, I fret over how much stuff I have, whether i’ll hate it, whether my life is about to fall apart and if i’ve packed enough food to survive the length of time i’ll be there for, because apparently I forget about the existence of supermarkets.

This is the side of my life people don’t see, well besides Andy.

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See, i’ve noticed something funny happening over the last year or so. People I haven’t spoken to in months, years sometimes, have reached out to me congratulating me on my life, saying it inspires them, that they’re jealous. In fact, this week alone I found myself getting two texts from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, both along the very same lines of awe and congratulations.

And, honestly, I’m dumbfounded. 

I know that i’m all too good at putting on a brave face to outsiders, of portraying a cool, calm and collected approach, and the whole ‘yeah I take this whole life business in my stride, i’m totally laid back and not at all a stressy person’ demeanour.

The reality couldn’t be farther from this. 

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Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, to come from a loving and supportive home, to have a boyfriend who inspires and encourages me, to be able to follow my passions in the outdoors. It’s a life I have fought exceptionally hard for.

But, the truth is, that sometimes I still struggle. And, my life is messy. And, i’m not just talking about the stressors of moving around a lot. I’m also talking about my whole life in general. And, I want people to know this. I worry about money. I worry about what I want to be when I finally grow up. I worry about my relationships with those around me. I worry I don’t see my parents enough. Heck, I even worry about whether I have or not i’ve put deodorant on in the morning. I am a total stress case.

The other day I found myself crying on my bed, completely paralysed by the thought of trying to find myself in this world. Everything right now seems so broken and uncertain, it overwhelms me.

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So what am I trying to say here? Well, I guess it would be that the comparison trap sucks. And, none of us are immune. I am by no means trying to big myself up here or say hey look at me I have it all together and people are looking up to me. That’s just not the point of this post. Honestly, everyone struggles, we all have our own battles to fight each day, and I guess we all need the reminder sometimes that that beautiful girl on instagram posting her bikini shots struggles too. She is human, you are human, we are all just humans here trying to figure out this messy business called life.

 

No questions today people, just your thoughts

xo

 

 

Weekend recap + getting back into running

It’s been about a week since my last blog post here, but weirdly it seems like forever?? Back when my hand was at its worst I was pretty much blogging everyday as a form of distraction, and I guess just a way to keep me sane amidst the boredom and long days spent alone. Since things are going better on my end, my days have just been a lot busier, and that means a little less time spent on the blog, which for now is okay, but I definitely want to keep up more of a routine over here, may goals n’ that.

Anyhow, a catchup is definitely overdue!

The last weekend was spent driving down to London to visit my parents, mostly for my Dad’s birthday but also because with Andy and I moving over to caravan life, we really needed to downsize on our stuff, so we brought along a bunch of suitcases to drop off too. Honestly, we didn’t do much on the weekend, mostly a lot of cat cuddles, because you can’t say no to this face….

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And, a few road runs too. I’m trying to get back into running more, as it was one of my goals back in January. Running used to be a huge part of my life, and I competed in track and field through most of my teenage years, and I definitely felt a loss when I had to stop.

This weekend though, I actually even managed to go for a run with my dad, aka the marathon king, who was just fresh off finishing the London a week ago. Honestly, that man is a huge inspiration to me, not only is he crazy fast and fit, but he was the one practically coaching me through every one of my races when I was younger. Safe to say I only just about kept up with him on what he would call a short and very slow 4 miles to loosen up his legs post-marathon. Seriously. 

Amongst the runs and cat cuddles, I also had the chance to have a lot of life chats with my mum. I am definitely incredibly lucky to have the parents I do, who support me on all my endeavours, with every confidence that i’ll be okay. Whilst, I hate being so far from them, I know they’re proud of me and everything i’m doing, and they’ll always be there for me when things get rough.

After our relaxing weekend, we decided to leave on Tuesday just to avoid any lingering bank holiday Monday traffic, and then spent much of Wednesday in a post-long drive sleepy like state, barely able to get out of bed before 9 (super unusual for us). Today though we finally mustered the energy to get up and enjoy the extremely nice weather we’ve got in the lakes at the moment. Whilst it’s super duper windy, it’s also absolutely gorgeous, with highs of 15 celsius, dreamy…..

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So we headed over to Longsleddale area for a short, mountainous walk/run. Typically we fast walk the uphills because #steep, and run the undulating/downhill parts. My kind of day. Longsleddale is probably going to become one of my favourite areas this summer, it’s basically where a lot of locals are known to go when the touristy side of the lakes becomes too much. I’m starting to see why, there’s only so many queues on a mountain you can take before you start to crave being alone on the hills.

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We’ve since spent the rest of the day drinking tea, enjoying the sunshine and planning tomorrow’s adventure. Walk or run? The endless conundrum…

Over to you:

How was your weekend?

Tell me one fun thing you did/ate? Andy made marble cake and I can’t stop munching on it! So good.

Virtual coffee date.

I’ve always loved reading other people’s blog posts about a ‘virtual coffee date’, the idea being where you can just reel off exactly what you would tell someone if you met up in person for a coffee (flat white of course) and a good old natter. Especially since life has been a bit of whirlwind lately, where it’s been one thing after another, some good, and some less so, I thought it would be nice to give you a little summary of my life lately. Here goes…

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I would tell you that any good day has been spent up in the mountains, with the most recent being a return trip to Blencathra (one steep ass mountain that’s for sure). I don’t know exactly what it is, but the mountains just have this way of sorting it all out, of letting me realise how insignificant some of my problems are. It’s just needed.

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I would also tell you that my days have been filled with delicious food, such as these cookies, andy and I made the other day. So big, so chocolatey and so gooey….

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I would talk about how nervous, yet excited I am for our new start in Eskdale. My days of no work certainly need to come to an end soon, and i’m looking forward to finding a new rhythm in a beautiful new place.

I would tell you that i’m off to London this weekend to spend the bank holiday with my parents, whom I haven’t seen in almost 5 months (too long!!!). And, i’m hoping it will be a weekend of rest, relaxation and all of the cuddles with my cats….

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I would tell you that my hand is finally getting back to normal (ish), and I nearly have full movement back in it, so i’m hoping it won’t be too long before I can get some climbing back into my life. The last few months have been really tough (the idea of life being a rollercoaster couldn’t be more true), but I finally feel a bit like there’s a light at the end of this particular tunnel.

I would tell you that we’ve been experiencing car trouble. Boo. And something as small as changing some tyres has now turned into a big, messy and expensive deal, which is never ideal. And, sadly I think it might soon be time for a new car. I really want to get back into driving, and Andy’s car is just massive and really intimidating, and I know I sound like a right wuss here, but I feel if we got something a little smaller, it would definitely help encourage me to actually drive more.

I would also tell you that last night, Andy and I attended the Banff mountain film festival held in Keswick’s ‘Theatre by the Lake’. For those who don’t know, the festival is split over two nights and debuts films based on outdoor pursuits. We only managed to get tickets to Wednseday’s set of films as tonight’s were fully booked (:(:(), but it was a really good evening. We were 100% the youngest people in the audience, which kind of surprised me, but it felt really good to be surrounded by fellow mountain lovers, and see some really inspiring films.

Finally, I would tell you that amid all the frustration and tears this last month has brought, there have been some of the best days yet. Andy and I have definitely grown even closer because of it and I feel so incredibly lucky to be where I am right now.

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Over to you:

What would you tell me if we had a coffee date?

Favourite thing you did this weekend?