Sometimes it’s just about showing up for yourself.

It feels like forever since I last wrote. In reality, I think it’s only been a couple of weeks or so. But a whole lot has happened.

The last few weeks have been rough. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time at all you’ll know that I had recently moved from a small town in Cumbria called Kendal, to the western side of the Lake District to work on a campsite. It was a move both me and my boyfriend Andy were super excited for. The site we were working on was beautiful, and the area had all we wanted in terms of climbing and running. It was the perfect fit. Or so I assumed.

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Honestly, I had never felt less like myself. Typically I like to pride myself on being able to roll with the punches, on being able to accept whatever comes my way and adapt quickly to change. So, when I suddenly found myself miserable, spending nights crying and days where I felt paralysed, unable to get out of bed, I knew something was wrong.

I’ve never spent much time on the blog discussing my mental health before, but that’s not because i’m ashamed of it, more it just wasn’t a huge part of my life anymore. Back when I was around 17 I had suffered pretty badly from depression, which continued until the age of 20. Following that, I found myself making some pretty big life changes such as dropping out of uni, rediscovering passions and making new friendships, all in a bid to help fight the dark thoughts in my head. And, for the most part it worked. I was never totally immune from bad days, but they became few and far between. I learned ways to refocus my mind and distract myself and, ultimately, I was a heck of a lot happier.

Cue, the intense paralysing fear and sheer disappointment when my depression started to return. I had worked so hard, fought so many battles to get to where  I am today. Here, I was in arguably one of the most beautiful places in the UK, and I found myself unable to appreciate or smile about anything. I felt lost. 

It’s funny sitting here writing this now, seeing as one of the last posts I wrote was this one, where I discussed how I had received a fair few compliments on how perfect my life seemed. And, right now I guess I sit here writing this with my tail slightly between my legs, almost embarrassed that i’m struggling, when honestly I think the first step is to admit that once again, no one has everything going for them. We all struggle. We all have our own battles that we must fight against. We may not always win, but we just have to show up.

So what now?

Well in case you hadn’t already guessed, I left the job. And, am currently sat jobless alongside Andy at my parents house back in London. Some would call this giving up, but for me i’m just showing up for myself. I’m putting myself first and figuring out exactly what I need right now to get through the black haze in my mind.

I want to finish this post by saying that I truly do love the Lake District, i’m pretty sure i’m it’s biggest advocate. The time I spent there was healing in so many ways. It’s where I learned what I was capable of, how to stand on my own two feet, where me and Andy created our first home together. It will always be a place held so so dear to my heart. But for now, I know I need to be somewhere where I can get more of the type of help I need. Where I can take several steps back and figure where to go from here. I may not be 100% okay, but i’m working on it, and for now, that’s enough.

As for the future, I am far from done both on this blog and in my life itself. Whilst this time at home is about rest, it’s also about figuring out what I need from any new home I may have. And Andy and I have been researching a few places we could move to, and plan on taking a couple of trips within the next week to see if we like any of them.

Sending my love xxxx

 

Any thoughts or comments are always welcomed

 

 

It’s a wrap folks.

Where has time gone???

One second i’m moving my life up north, suitcases all packed, endless cozy blankets and fairy lights in tow. And the next, I’m packing everything up again, wondering if somehow, overnight, my belongings have multiplied.

I’m no stranger to goodbyes. I’ve been through the process all too many times now, but it doesn’t ever seem to get any easier. I always find myself turning into a blubbering mess around this time. Honestly. I even cried watching ‘how I met your mother’ last night, for real. 

But, it’s funny, because I think back to this time last year, and how similar it was. A year ago today I was about to embark on a new life on the coast, moving out of my family home (for good this time), trying out a new job, creating new friends. It was all just beginning. One year later and here I am doing exactly the same..preparing for something new.

It’s an adventure.

The last 6 months have been so good to me, and that’s not to say it all went swimmingly, because it for sure didn’t. I definitely had my fair share of dramas, from difficult housemates, switching jobs, getting lyme’s and ending up needing surgery. But, as a firm believer that nothing in life is random, every hardship here led me to something greater, or a lesson learned. Moving has definitely made me more accepting of the idea of change, that’s for sure! And, ultimately, i’ve had some of the best moments of my life here, from my first multi pitch climb, to ticking off more mountains and sampling all the local coffee from the area.

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But, i’m ready to move on. I’m ready to try my hand at a different sort of lifestyle, and job too. It just feels like it’s time.

As for the blog, I really hope I can keep writing. There’s no wifi, downside to #caravanlife, but i’m hoping we will find a nearby pub that doesn’t mind my regular wifi usage.

So for now, wishing you guys a beautiful, restful summer, and I hope to write to you all soon! (P.s if you find yourself in the lakes, hit me up!)

 

Over to you:

Any exciting summer plans?

Best thing you ate today? Had THE BEST flapjack from this cute independent bakery/deli in Kendal

 

 

 

The comparison trap + life is messy.

So Andy and I are currently in the midst of packing up our lives and preparing to move (again). As much as I move around, I honestly don’t seem to get anymore comfortable with it, I get super angsty, grumpy and just all round stressed. I make lists, I fret over how much stuff I have, whether i’ll hate it, whether my life is about to fall apart and if i’ve packed enough food to survive the length of time i’ll be there for, because apparently I forget about the existence of supermarkets.

This is the side of my life people don’t see, well besides Andy.

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See, i’ve noticed something funny happening over the last year or so. People I haven’t spoken to in months, years sometimes, have reached out to me congratulating me on my life, saying it inspires them, that they’re jealous. In fact, this week alone I found myself getting two texts from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, both along the very same lines of awe and congratulations.

And, honestly, I’m dumbfounded. 

I know that i’m all too good at putting on a brave face to outsiders, of portraying a cool, calm and collected approach, and the whole ‘yeah I take this whole life business in my stride, i’m totally laid back and not at all a stressy person’ demeanour.

The reality couldn’t be farther from this. 

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Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, to come from a loving and supportive home, to have a boyfriend who inspires and encourages me, to be able to follow my passions in the outdoors. It’s a life I have fought exceptionally hard for.

But, the truth is, that sometimes I still struggle. And, my life is messy. And, i’m not just talking about the stressors of moving around a lot. I’m also talking about my whole life in general. And, I want people to know this. I worry about money. I worry about what I want to be when I finally grow up. I worry about my relationships with those around me. I worry I don’t see my parents enough. Heck, I even worry about whether I have or not i’ve put deodorant on in the morning. I am a total stress case.

The other day I found myself crying on my bed, completely paralysed by the thought of trying to find myself in this world. Everything right now seems so broken and uncertain, it overwhelms me.

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So what am I trying to say here? Well, I guess it would be that the comparison trap sucks. And, none of us are immune. I am by no means trying to big myself up here or say hey look at me I have it all together and people are looking up to me. That’s just not the point of this post. Honestly, everyone struggles, we all have our own battles to fight each day, and I guess we all need the reminder sometimes that that beautiful girl on instagram posting her bikini shots struggles too. She is human, you are human, we are all just humans here trying to figure out this messy business called life.

 

No questions today people, just your thoughts

xo

 

 

Weekend recap + getting back into running

It’s been about a week since my last blog post here, but weirdly it seems like forever?? Back when my hand was at its worst I was pretty much blogging everyday as a form of distraction, and I guess just a way to keep me sane amidst the boredom and long days spent alone. Since things are going better on my end, my days have just been a lot busier, and that means a little less time spent on the blog, which for now is okay, but I definitely want to keep up more of a routine over here, may goals n’ that.

Anyhow, a catchup is definitely overdue!

The last weekend was spent driving down to London to visit my parents, mostly for my Dad’s birthday but also because with Andy and I moving over to caravan life, we really needed to downsize on our stuff, so we brought along a bunch of suitcases to drop off too. Honestly, we didn’t do much on the weekend, mostly a lot of cat cuddles, because you can’t say no to this face….

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And, a few road runs too. I’m trying to get back into running more, as it was one of my goals back in January. Running used to be a huge part of my life, and I competed in track and field through most of my teenage years, and I definitely felt a loss when I had to stop.

This weekend though, I actually even managed to go for a run with my dad, aka the marathon king, who was just fresh off finishing the London a week ago. Honestly, that man is a huge inspiration to me, not only is he crazy fast and fit, but he was the one practically coaching me through every one of my races when I was younger. Safe to say I only just about kept up with him on what he would call a short and very slow 4 miles to loosen up his legs post-marathon. Seriously. 

Amongst the runs and cat cuddles, I also had the chance to have a lot of life chats with my mum. I am definitely incredibly lucky to have the parents I do, who support me on all my endeavours, with every confidence that i’ll be okay. Whilst, I hate being so far from them, I know they’re proud of me and everything i’m doing, and they’ll always be there for me when things get rough.

After our relaxing weekend, we decided to leave on Tuesday just to avoid any lingering bank holiday Monday traffic, and then spent much of Wednesday in a post-long drive sleepy like state, barely able to get out of bed before 9 (super unusual for us). Today though we finally mustered the energy to get up and enjoy the extremely nice weather we’ve got in the lakes at the moment. Whilst it’s super duper windy, it’s also absolutely gorgeous, with highs of 15 celsius, dreamy…..

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So we headed over to Longsleddale area for a short, mountainous walk/run. Typically we fast walk the uphills because #steep, and run the undulating/downhill parts. My kind of day. Longsleddale is probably going to become one of my favourite areas this summer, it’s basically where a lot of locals are known to go when the touristy side of the lakes becomes too much. I’m starting to see why, there’s only so many queues on a mountain you can take before you start to crave being alone on the hills.

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We’ve since spent the rest of the day drinking tea, enjoying the sunshine and planning tomorrow’s adventure. Walk or run? The endless conundrum…

Over to you:

How was your weekend?

Tell me one fun thing you did/ate? Andy made marble cake and I can’t stop munching on it! So good.

Kentmere Horseshoe + getting ready to move on

Hi, hey, hello,

It’s been a little while since my last post, but easter weekend for me was pretty chilled, with nothing new to report. I did however get an easter egg from Andy’s dad and it was oh so beautiful, pretty much been munching on it nightly since Friday, and my life will definitely be a little lost once it’s all gone.

Anyhow, yesterday Andy was off so we headed off with a friend in tow to complete one of the most iconic mountain routes here, the Kentmere Horseshoe. It’s the longest horseshoe here in the Lake District, taking in 8 peaks and supposedly the most scenic, so it’s something we’ve been wanting to do for quite some time now. We got an early start, arriving in Kentmere at around 8:30ish, and headed up the path to our first peak, Yoke.

As routes go this one is pretty accessible, there is a defined path much of the way, with no real crazy steep descents and really easy navigation. Once you’ve made the initial push to the top of Yoke its pretty much just following an undulating ridge which is really cool!

As for the scenic element, well we were a tad unlucky. Whilst the rain held off, we were in cloud the whole way round, meaning the limited views we did get were sparse, we got a decent glimpse at what was around us at a couple points when the wind picked up, and it was stunning. If it was a clear day I definitely can see why it’s such an iconic route.

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Another great thing about this particular horseshoe, is that it’s out the way a little, so less popular with tourists. It’s still the easter holidays  over here, but we literally only saw two other walkers way in the distance – my kind of mountain!

In the end, because of the fog, we cut the route short a little by dropping into a valley that skirts around a reservoir to pick up the pace and run for a while, especially as none of us felt like staying in the cloud layer. There’s only so much grey you can take before you start to want to be able to see again.

Once back at a lower elevation the views were once again breathtaking! We even saw what we presume are wild horses?? (Note: I may be wrong, but there was literally not a single sign of humans owning them….)

And as always, the day ended with cake and coffee at our favourite coffee spot – Mr Duffins.

It actually felt really good to be back out adventuring again (finally!!??), and just be with nature for a while. I’m not sure what it is, but the mountains always have such a way of helping me figure everything out, and realise what’s important.

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If only the weather had been like it was back when we did belles knot a few months ago

At the moment, i’m looking forward to an exciting few weeks as Andy finishes work this weekend, and we prepare to make the move to start our new jobs in April. In the meantime, we’ve planned almost everyday (we love a good calendar planning sesh), and right now it looks like we’ve got the Banff film festival to look forward to, a couple of mountain days in the Keswick area, a trip back to London to hang out with my rents for the bank holiday weekend, and a potential low key trip to Scotland. I miss Scotland, Andy and I actually used to live there for a bit and it’s by far one of my favourite places.

Hope you all had a wonderful easter, please tell me something fun you did!

xxx

To new beginnings…

It’s been a restful few days over here for me, filled with lots of easy mornings, coffee and long walks…oh and cake, because you all know about my addiction to that stuff. I swear cake = crack for me. Anyhow I feel a series of life updates is more than overdue, as things sure have changed a lot for me over here, for the better I hope!

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Firstly, I got my stitches out yesterday!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell i’m excited over here?

The hand itself remains pretty sore, and its still in a dressing, with strict instructions of sticking to rest and not getting it wet, but i’ve got physio appointments booked for next week, so slowly but surely things are hopefully looking up. I still don’t have any sensation back in my left ring finger but they said that could take months, so i’m trying not to get my hopes up, or rush the process too much.

Also, I quit my job. Kind of linked to the first update, but to fill you all in a bit more I basically worked as a Barista for a speciality coffee shop over here. I love coffee, I liked my job too, but in all honesty I think life is too short to stick to doing one thing. The last few months I felt myself getting a little restless, grumpy and well craving a new challenge if i’m being honest. So, my injury came at an opportune time, it gave me the space to think about things and if I wanted to do anything differently. I was also told by many different doctors and nurses that barista-ing just wasn’t going to be a possibility for me anymore, at least not for the next few months. In some ways, it just felt like life was trying to push me in a new direction. Which leads me onto my next update.

We are moving! Talk about an overkill with dramatic life updates, but it really just has been one of those crazy months filled with change.

So, Andy and I like where we live, it’s in a nice enough town right by the Lake District, with good transport links to nearby areas. But truthfully, we were never in love with it here. So, with me quitting my job it led us to look further afield for new job opportunities in more rural locations, which led us to Eskdale. A teeny tiny village in the Western Lakes, near the start of Scafell Pike (UKs highest mountain), where we both found work on a campsite. It’s a pretty neat opportunity where we get to live in a caravan for the summer in a beautiful location, and honestly we couldn’t say no. Especially as it’s not physical work (i’ll be doing a lot of clerical work taking bookings etc), so it’s something I can actually do.

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All these changes have by no means come easily, they involved a whole lot of tears, and hard decisions, but ultimately i’ve found peace in them. I think I got all too caught up in trying to have my life completely figured out, with a stable job, relationship, house etc. When in reality, that’s skipping ahead to the end, without giving myself time to fail, time to discover more what I want to do. I’m learning to realise that where I am right now is okay. That there isn’t a time frame I have to live by. I don’t need to have my whole life mapped out at the age of 21. I don’t need to have a life plan yet. I don’t need to have it all figured out.

 

So here’s to new challenges and adventures

happy easter weekend guys, you’ve made it xx

 

 

 

Weekend ventures and life update.

As i’ve explained all too many times on this little blog, I rarely get weekends off. ever. But, with my life being a little out of whack, having just undergone surgery, and not being able to work, i’ve been having all of the time off lately.

Luckily, this weekend Andy was off work too, and so we could have a little explore together. Having a bum arm is pretty limiting, and so our usual options of a long hike, climbing or run are all out of the question for the next couple months, so we’ve got a little more creative in the types of places we are going to visit, venturing a little further than our go to mountain towns.

Recently i’ve been craving the sea. I’ve always been kinda weird this way, but I find my body just wanting to be in certain landscapes. Sometimes i’m desperate to be in forests, other times I find myself longing for a mountainscape. Does anyone else ever get this, or am I just beyond weird?

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Anyhow, my body wanted to be by the sea. I’ve always been a bit of a beach baby. I spent the summer working by the coast in Devon, where trips to little, deserted coves and off the beaten track beaches were pretty much the norm. I know when I settle down for good it’s going to have to be by the sea. That’s something I won’t compromise on.

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Living where we currently do, we are still pretty lucky, with the nearest beach based towns around 30/40 minutes drive away, which all in all is not bad at all. So, with a little googling we settled on the town of Silverdale, on the basis that it’s pretty residential, so it’d be quiet, it’s got an unspoilt, natural coastline feel to it, and a really awesome cafe just outside the village. Perfect.

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Silverdale you didn’t disappoint. 

We were blessed with amazing weather, and heat!! It has been a long time since i’ve actually ben able to step outside in just a t-shirt and shirt.

We wandered around the neighbourhood, admiring all the really pretty houses, cute cobbled streets and near empty coves, before heading off to The Wolfhouse for lunch. Several friends had recommended it to me based on the fact they know I love good coffee, and it’s one of the few places around that really focuses on delivering speciality coffee, done right, while not being too in your face about it like other coffee shops. You know those ones you walk into where it feels all laboratory like and uncomfy? Yeah well the Wolfhouse is the total opposite to that, super relaxed feel, and a great outside area too, oh and it’s attached to an art gallery. Can it get anymore perfect?

They also serve a bunch of delicious cakes and a full food menu too! Andy and I settled on the pistachio and rose water cake and a peanut butter cookie to try, as well as the waffles with bacon for him and eggs with toast and butter beans for me. All of it was delicious and served quickly!The only drawback? It is a tad pricey, but i’ve come to expect nothing less in such a touristy area, especially when it’s literally the only cafe in the town!

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Conclusion?

We will be back Silverdale! It even had rocks for Andy to play on, I was just bummed I couldn’t join in too 😦

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Overall we had a really lovely weekend, but with that there came some stressors too, we love living in such an awesome area, I feel blessed when I wake up and see just how beautiful it is all around me. But, it has its drawbacks, and I think being out of action at work for a while has made me realise even more what I want to do and where i’d like to be. So, that leads me onto the next bit of the post, there are going to be some big changes coming mine and Andy’s way, i’m not sure i’m totally ready to talk about them yet, just until everything is finalised, but it involves moving…again. So watch this space, more good things coming this way.

 

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend my loves, tell me something great you did in the comments!

 

xxxx