Sometimes it’s just about showing up for yourself.

It feels like forever since I last wrote. In reality, I think it’s only been a couple of weeks or so. But a whole lot has happened.

The last few weeks have been rough. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time at all you’ll know that I had recently moved from a small town in Cumbria called Kendal, to the western side of the Lake District to work on a campsite. It was a move both me and my boyfriend Andy were super excited for. The site we were working on was beautiful, and the area had all we wanted in terms of climbing and running. It was the perfect fit. Or so I assumed.

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Honestly, I had never felt less like myself. Typically I like to pride myself on being able to roll with the punches, on being able to accept whatever comes my way and adapt quickly to change. So, when I suddenly found myself miserable, spending nights crying and days where I felt paralysed, unable to get out of bed, I knew something was wrong.

I’ve never spent much time on the blog discussing my mental health before, but that’s not because i’m ashamed of it, more it just wasn’t a huge part of my life anymore. Back when I was around 17 I had suffered pretty badly from depression, which continued until the age of 20. Following that, I found myself making some pretty big life changes such as dropping out of uni, rediscovering passions and making new friendships, all in a bid to help fight the dark thoughts in my head. And, for the most part it worked. I was never totally immune from bad days, but they became few and far between. I learned ways to refocus my mind and distract myself and, ultimately, I was a heck of a lot happier.

Cue, the intense paralysing fear and sheer disappointment when my depression started to return. I had worked so hard, fought so many battles to get to where  I am today. Here, I was in arguably one of the most beautiful places in the UK, and I found myself unable to appreciate or smile about anything. I felt lost. 

It’s funny sitting here writing this now, seeing as one of the last posts I wrote was this one, where I discussed how I had received a fair few compliments on how perfect my life seemed. And, right now I guess I sit here writing this with my tail slightly between my legs, almost embarrassed that i’m struggling, when honestly I think the first step is to admit that once again, no one has everything going for them. We all struggle. We all have our own battles that we must fight against. We may not always win, but we just have to show up.

So what now?

Well in case you hadn’t already guessed, I left the job. And, am currently sat jobless alongside Andy at my parents house back in London. Some would call this giving up, but for me i’m just showing up for myself. I’m putting myself first and figuring out exactly what I need right now to get through the black haze in my mind.

I want to finish this post by saying that I truly do love the Lake District, i’m pretty sure i’m it’s biggest advocate. The time I spent there was healing in so many ways. It’s where I learned what I was capable of, how to stand on my own two feet, where me and Andy created our first home together. It will always be a place held so so dear to my heart. But for now, I know I need to be somewhere where I can get more of the type of help I need. Where I can take several steps back and figure where to go from here. I may not be 100% okay, but i’m working on it, and for now, that’s enough.

As for the future, I am far from done both on this blog and in my life itself. Whilst this time at home is about rest, it’s also about figuring out what I need from any new home I may have. And Andy and I have been researching a few places we could move to, and plan on taking a couple of trips within the next week to see if we like any of them.

Sending my love xxxx

 

Any thoughts or comments are always welcomed

 

 

It’s a wrap folks.

Where has time gone???

One second i’m moving my life up north, suitcases all packed, endless cozy blankets and fairy lights in tow. And the next, I’m packing everything up again, wondering if somehow, overnight, my belongings have multiplied.

I’m no stranger to goodbyes. I’ve been through the process all too many times now, but it doesn’t ever seem to get any easier. I always find myself turning into a blubbering mess around this time. Honestly. I even cried watching ‘how I met your mother’ last night, for real. 

But, it’s funny, because I think back to this time last year, and how similar it was. A year ago today I was about to embark on a new life on the coast, moving out of my family home (for good this time), trying out a new job, creating new friends. It was all just beginning. One year later and here I am doing exactly the same..preparing for something new.

It’s an adventure.

The last 6 months have been so good to me, and that’s not to say it all went swimmingly, because it for sure didn’t. I definitely had my fair share of dramas, from difficult housemates, switching jobs, getting lyme’s and ending up needing surgery. But, as a firm believer that nothing in life is random, every hardship here led me to something greater, or a lesson learned. Moving has definitely made me more accepting of the idea of change, that’s for sure! And, ultimately, i’ve had some of the best moments of my life here, from my first multi pitch climb, to ticking off more mountains and sampling all the local coffee from the area.

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But, i’m ready to move on. I’m ready to try my hand at a different sort of lifestyle, and job too. It just feels like it’s time.

As for the blog, I really hope I can keep writing. There’s no wifi, downside to #caravanlife, but i’m hoping we will find a nearby pub that doesn’t mind my regular wifi usage.

So for now, wishing you guys a beautiful, restful summer, and I hope to write to you all soon! (P.s if you find yourself in the lakes, hit me up!)

 

Over to you:

Any exciting summer plans?

Best thing you ate today? Had THE BEST flapjack from this cute independent bakery/deli in Kendal

 

 

 

The comparison trap + life is messy.

So Andy and I are currently in the midst of packing up our lives and preparing to move (again). As much as I move around, I honestly don’t seem to get anymore comfortable with it, I get super angsty, grumpy and just all round stressed. I make lists, I fret over how much stuff I have, whether i’ll hate it, whether my life is about to fall apart and if i’ve packed enough food to survive the length of time i’ll be there for, because apparently I forget about the existence of supermarkets.

This is the side of my life people don’t see, well besides Andy.

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See, i’ve noticed something funny happening over the last year or so. People I haven’t spoken to in months, years sometimes, have reached out to me congratulating me on my life, saying it inspires them, that they’re jealous. In fact, this week alone I found myself getting two texts from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, both along the very same lines of awe and congratulations.

And, honestly, I’m dumbfounded. 

I know that i’m all too good at putting on a brave face to outsiders, of portraying a cool, calm and collected approach, and the whole ‘yeah I take this whole life business in my stride, i’m totally laid back and not at all a stressy person’ demeanour.

The reality couldn’t be farther from this. 

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Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, to come from a loving and supportive home, to have a boyfriend who inspires and encourages me, to be able to follow my passions in the outdoors. It’s a life I have fought exceptionally hard for.

But, the truth is, that sometimes I still struggle. And, my life is messy. And, i’m not just talking about the stressors of moving around a lot. I’m also talking about my whole life in general. And, I want people to know this. I worry about money. I worry about what I want to be when I finally grow up. I worry about my relationships with those around me. I worry I don’t see my parents enough. Heck, I even worry about whether I have or not i’ve put deodorant on in the morning. I am a total stress case.

The other day I found myself crying on my bed, completely paralysed by the thought of trying to find myself in this world. Everything right now seems so broken and uncertain, it overwhelms me.

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So what am I trying to say here? Well, I guess it would be that the comparison trap sucks. And, none of us are immune. I am by no means trying to big myself up here or say hey look at me I have it all together and people are looking up to me. That’s just not the point of this post. Honestly, everyone struggles, we all have our own battles to fight each day, and I guess we all need the reminder sometimes that that beautiful girl on instagram posting her bikini shots struggles too. She is human, you are human, we are all just humans here trying to figure out this messy business called life.

 

No questions today people, just your thoughts

xo

 

 

Virtual coffee date.

I’ve always loved reading other people’s blog posts about a ‘virtual coffee date’, the idea being where you can just reel off exactly what you would tell someone if you met up in person for a coffee (flat white of course) and a good old natter. Especially since life has been a bit of whirlwind lately, where it’s been one thing after another, some good, and some less so, I thought it would be nice to give you a little summary of my life lately. Here goes…

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I would tell you that any good day has been spent up in the mountains, with the most recent being a return trip to Blencathra (one steep ass mountain that’s for sure). I don’t know exactly what it is, but the mountains just have this way of sorting it all out, of letting me realise how insignificant some of my problems are. It’s just needed.

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I would also tell you that my days have been filled with delicious food, such as these cookies, andy and I made the other day. So big, so chocolatey and so gooey….

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I would talk about how nervous, yet excited I am for our new start in Eskdale. My days of no work certainly need to come to an end soon, and i’m looking forward to finding a new rhythm in a beautiful new place.

I would tell you that i’m off to London this weekend to spend the bank holiday with my parents, whom I haven’t seen in almost 5 months (too long!!!). And, i’m hoping it will be a weekend of rest, relaxation and all of the cuddles with my cats….

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I would tell you that my hand is finally getting back to normal (ish), and I nearly have full movement back in it, so i’m hoping it won’t be too long before I can get some climbing back into my life. The last few months have been really tough (the idea of life being a rollercoaster couldn’t be more true), but I finally feel a bit like there’s a light at the end of this particular tunnel.

I would tell you that we’ve been experiencing car trouble. Boo. And something as small as changing some tyres has now turned into a big, messy and expensive deal, which is never ideal. And, sadly I think it might soon be time for a new car. I really want to get back into driving, and Andy’s car is just massive and really intimidating, and I know I sound like a right wuss here, but I feel if we got something a little smaller, it would definitely help encourage me to actually drive more.

I would also tell you that last night, Andy and I attended the Banff mountain film festival held in Keswick’s ‘Theatre by the Lake’. For those who don’t know, the festival is split over two nights and debuts films based on outdoor pursuits. We only managed to get tickets to Wednseday’s set of films as tonight’s were fully booked (:(:(), but it was a really good evening. We were 100% the youngest people in the audience, which kind of surprised me, but it felt really good to be surrounded by fellow mountain lovers, and see some really inspiring films.

Finally, I would tell you that amid all the frustration and tears this last month has brought, there have been some of the best days yet. Andy and I have definitely grown even closer because of it and I feel so incredibly lucky to be where I am right now.

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Over to you:

What would you tell me if we had a coffee date?

Favourite thing you did this weekend?

10 things I learned from a year on the move.

Happy Saturday friends!

Usually I hate the weekend, because my Saturday used to be like a Tuesday for me, in the sense that my work week was just beginning again. Weird, I know. But now i’m off work for a while to heal the hand and basically until it stops feeling like it’s being stabbed with a series of tiny knives. Yeah..not fun.

Anyhow it’s April!

How did I not get the memo on this? I genuinely thought we were still in March until Andy surprised me with this fact a couple days back. Time is a-flying i’ll tell you, and it’s almost summer and my bday woop woop! But, i’m getting distracted here.

See, April for me marks exactly one year since I packed my bags and vowed to move out of my home with my parents for good. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my family, i’m pretty sure I have some of the most incredible parents out there, just with how supportive and involved they are in my life. I know I can tell them anything and they’ll be there for me every step along the way. But, I knew that by staying living at home I just wasn’t going to learn anything or even really challenge myself. I was always lusting after a life full of adventure and excitement but didn’t know how to do it. Cue my trip to Australia. If that trip taught me anything, it was that if people can up and move their lives across the world, I could move mine across a country.

So, come April last year I moved down South to the countryside, then before long I found myself moving again, and again…..See once you get the hang of it once, it becomes pretty easy, and I got pretty lucky in finding a job that allowed me to move around so much. Moving wasn’t always easy but it dang sure was worth it just in the way it made me love my little country so much more.

Anywhoo, here’s a few things that looking back I wish I could’ve told myself before I upped and left…

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 I have too much stuff. 

No Amy you do not need a full winter, autumn, spring and summer wardrobe with you at all times. Nor do you need your entire collection of trainers and all your favourite books. Let’s just stick to a few key items here okay?

Writing down all your past addresses on forms becomes super tiring

Doesn’t it just matter where i’m living right now?

Having a normal exercise routine pretty much goes out of the window

Let’s face it my gym stuff is probably at the bottom of my still unpacked suitcase

No, you will not stay in touch with all of the people you meet

This is definitely just a polite saying, we use as a goodbye rather than an actual pledge to say friends forever

But…you will meet some amazing people along the way

You know who you are!

You’ll get to see and do things you only dreamed about

Like going up mountains, swimming in secret coves, running along empty waterfall lined trails…it’s all there waiting for you

You will have days you miss home

This is more than normal, embrace the feelings Amy, they will pass.

It’s okay to lose yourself along the way

Sometimes you need to go down the wrong road for a bit to make you figure out even more what you do want. Trial and error, there are no wrong decisions here.

Boardgames, card games, scrabble..they all become essential

Wifi is not always a guarantee when you’re living on a budget, and/or in rural areas.

You’ll appreciate the little things more

That text from your sister, the sunset in the evening, when your roommate wakes you up when your alarm fails to go off. Moving so much means you don’t get time to be so complacent, take it all in, appreciate it whilst you have it.

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That’s it for now, happy happy Saturday everyone

xxx

 

 

 

Why I choose travel.

Do you guys believe in fate? Or the idea that everything happens for a reason? I think i’m pretty conflicted on this subject. On the one hand I don’t believe that we are powerless, that we just walk through a life that has already been planned out for us. However, I do feel like certain things happen to us so that we can learn from them.

Take my current situation. After being diagnosed with lyme’s disease, I continued to work, exercise and remain pretty darn busy despite feeling like poop. Approximately a week later I injured my hand, got surgery and strict advice to lay off work and all forms of exercise until my stitches are removed.

Life is funny eh? It’s almost as if my body just shut down, curled up and refused to continue. A bit like when Andy forgets to feed me on a long walk 😉

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I’ll be the first to admit that I like to keep busy, to make my plate a little too full at times, but here I think the real reason I was forced to stop for a moment was just to take a breather and figure out what next.

Deep down I think i’ve been a little bit too caught up in the big stressors in life: jobs, houses, taxes, social obligations….I could go on for days. To put it bluntly, I became too focused on finishing up the story of my life and tying up any loose ends, as if there were some sort of time constraint on the whole thing. As if I had to get everything sorted, right now.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love being settled in a place. I love having a house I call home. I love knowing where to grab my morning coffee and the best place to eat some cake.

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plus the mountains. I do really love the mountains here!

But, at the same time I know deep down that I have a sense of restlessness kicking in. A part of me burning to pack all my things up and take off on a new adventure. See back when I quit school, I made a promise myself to say yes more. To listen to my gut and take off on any new adventure my heart desires (within reason, calm down mum).

So where does that leave me now?

Well I love the lake district, its become home for me in a way I never could have imagined. But, I know i’m not ready to give up traveling altogether. Ultimately I just really like being a nomad, knowing that I can pack all my things up into one tiny bag and see where the road takes me, who i’ll meet and the places i’ll see. Traveling has always helped me figure things out for myself, and right now there is still so much left for me to get into.

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, where I want to live or even what type of person I want to be.

It’s all wide open.

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But, I know the road can help me with that. Because as I tick each destination off my list I grow closer to my passions, to my ideals, to the exact kind of life I want to lead.

For now though I think i’ll plan to stay here till September or October. Missing summer in the lakes would definitely be a huge regret of mine, plus your girl really needs to save a lot more dollar before she can think of taking a new trip.

I’m not really sure what my exact point to this post was (sorry i’m probably not supposed to admit that whoops!). But, I guess it’s that i’m not done. The me you get here isn’t the finished article or the end product. My journey is still very much ongoing, and i’m most definitely figuring it all out!

sending love and hugs

xxxx

as always all thoughts are welcome:)

When it rains it pours.

Slightly unusual title for today’s post, i’ll admit, but a friend texted that quote to me the other day, and for whatever reason it really stuck with me. Do you ever have those days, weeks or even months were everything seems to be on a downward spiral? Where the domino effect of bad events s seems to be in full swing?

Well for me, that’s pretty much what March has looked like. Seriously.

So let me fill you in.

It all started with a sunny day, a beautiful walk, some world class gingerbread and a tick. Random list I know, but let me explain. After some serious bad weather here in the lakes, the clouds finally started to lift, and for the first time in a while the sun was out in full force.

Naturally, with a day off planned we headed for a walk and little scramble in the Grasmere area. On a happier note I seriously love Grasmere, if you’re ever in the lakes head here, please. You will not regret it.

 

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We had a pretty awesome day goofing around, running up rocks and down again, getting soggy feet and some of the best views! With a quick refuel on some of Grasmere’s famous gingerbread we headed back home to Kendal with full tummies and happy hearts.

All was well. That was until about two days later, when I discovered a tick on my left leg. Initially no biggie, we removed it and I thought nothing of it, until about a week later when I started to feel feverish, have bad migraines and an overall sense of pretty energy sapping lethargy. Fun.

A trip to the doctor and my fears were soon confirmed. I had developed the beginnings of lyme disease, a tick related illness.

The good news, some antibiotics and a week of rest had me feeling ALOT better.

Lesson learned? Check myself for ticks right after walks! Typically they’re not harmful, it’s when they’ve been on your body for more than 24 hours that you should be vigilant, and with lyme’s disease on the rise in the Lake District, I think its something we should all try and be more careful about here.

So that was shit sandwich number one.

About a day after my diagnosis, things took another turn for the worse when Andy came home from work looking an unnatural shade of grey. He then spent the next four days unable to keep any food or water down.

Shit sandwich number two.

Exactly a day after he finally was feeling better, I was dealt another wild card.

It was generally a pretty quiet afternoon at work, and I was emptying the dishwasher we have behind the counter when I dropped a cup, went down to reach it, and sliced my hand open between my ring and pinky finger. To say it was embarrassing would be an understatement. What followed was several trips to AandE, a specialist in Preston and countless days off work.

It turned out that I had severed a nerve, leaving my left ring finger with no sensation. I had surgery to repair it yesterday, which thankfully went well! But in terms of work, i’m out for two weeks until my stitches are out.

Shit sandwich number 3.

For someone who thankfully has spent 21 years with zero medical issues I have always counted myself a pretty healthful and lucky person, but if this experience has taught me anything, it’s to never take your health for granted, to appreciate every working part of yourself. And also I guess, that sometimes when it rains it does indeed pour. But, that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. Whilst right now theres is a lot of uncertainty for me in what i’ll do next, it has also reminded me just how lucky I am to have amazing friends and family, and of course Andy (huge love for this guy), who have all provided me with constant support and love during a time that has been incredibly difficult and scary.

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Because let’s be real, adulting is hard, figuring out your place in the world is at times impossible, and when your health is called into question and you find yourself alone in a new city, miles away from your parents, it’s scary. And I would be lying if I said that I haven’t had days with my fair share of tears shed. But, that’s life, it gets messy, and when things get difficult it provides a perfect time to reflect on where you are and where you want to be. For me right now, that means getting back to blogging more regularly, spending more time on self care and figuring out a bit more where I see myself in the next year.

So sometimes when it rains, it does indeed pour, but that doesn’t mean you can’t stop to dance and smile in it for a while.

have a wonderful day my loves

xxx