Sometimes it’s just about showing up for yourself.

It feels like forever since I last wrote. In reality, I think it’s only been a couple of weeks or so. But a whole lot has happened.

The last few weeks have been rough. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time at all you’ll know that I had recently moved from a small town in Cumbria called Kendal, to the western side of the Lake District to work on a campsite. It was a move both me and my boyfriend Andy were super excited for. The site we were working on was beautiful, and the area had all we wanted in terms of climbing and running. It was the perfect fit. Or so I assumed.

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Honestly, I had never felt less like myself. Typically I like to pride myself on being able to roll with the punches, on being able to accept whatever comes my way and adapt quickly to change. So, when I suddenly found myself miserable, spending nights crying and days where I felt paralysed, unable to get out of bed, I knew something was wrong.

I’ve never spent much time on the blog discussing my mental health before, but that’s not because i’m ashamed of it, more it just wasn’t a huge part of my life anymore. Back when I was around 17 I had suffered pretty badly from depression, which continued until the age of 20. Following that, I found myself making some pretty big life changes such as dropping out of uni, rediscovering passions and making new friendships, all in a bid to help fight the dark thoughts in my head. And, for the most part it worked. I was never totally immune from bad days, but they became few and far between. I learned ways to refocus my mind and distract myself and, ultimately, I was a heck of a lot happier.

Cue, the intense paralysing fear and sheer disappointment when my depression started to return. I had worked so hard, fought so many battles to get to where  I am today. Here, I was in arguably one of the most beautiful places in the UK, and I found myself unable to appreciate or smile about anything. I felt lost. 

It’s funny sitting here writing this now, seeing as one of the last posts I wrote was this one, where I discussed how I had received a fair few compliments on how perfect my life seemed. And, right now I guess I sit here writing this with my tail slightly between my legs, almost embarrassed that i’m struggling, when honestly I think the first step is to admit that once again, no one has everything going for them. We all struggle. We all have our own battles that we must fight against. We may not always win, but we just have to show up.

So what now?

Well in case you hadn’t already guessed, I left the job. And, am currently sat jobless alongside Andy at my parents house back in London. Some would call this giving up, but for me i’m just showing up for myself. I’m putting myself first and figuring out exactly what I need right now to get through the black haze in my mind.

I want to finish this post by saying that I truly do love the Lake District, i’m pretty sure i’m it’s biggest advocate. The time I spent there was healing in so many ways. It’s where I learned what I was capable of, how to stand on my own two feet, where me and Andy created our first home together. It will always be a place held so so dear to my heart. But for now, I know I need to be somewhere where I can get more of the type of help I need. Where I can take several steps back and figure where to go from here. I may not be 100% okay, but i’m working on it, and for now, that’s enough.

As for the future, I am far from done both on this blog and in my life itself. Whilst this time at home is about rest, it’s also about figuring out what I need from any new home I may have. And Andy and I have been researching a few places we could move to, and plan on taking a couple of trips within the next week to see if we like any of them.

Sending my love xxxx

 

Any thoughts or comments are always welcomed

 

 

It’s a wrap folks.

Where has time gone???

One second i’m moving my life up north, suitcases all packed, endless cozy blankets and fairy lights in tow. And the next, I’m packing everything up again, wondering if somehow, overnight, my belongings have multiplied.

I’m no stranger to goodbyes. I’ve been through the process all too many times now, but it doesn’t ever seem to get any easier. I always find myself turning into a blubbering mess around this time. Honestly. I even cried watching ‘how I met your mother’ last night, for real. 

But, it’s funny, because I think back to this time last year, and how similar it was. A year ago today I was about to embark on a new life on the coast, moving out of my family home (for good this time), trying out a new job, creating new friends. It was all just beginning. One year later and here I am doing exactly the same..preparing for something new.

It’s an adventure.

The last 6 months have been so good to me, and that’s not to say it all went swimmingly, because it for sure didn’t. I definitely had my fair share of dramas, from difficult housemates, switching jobs, getting lyme’s and ending up needing surgery. But, as a firm believer that nothing in life is random, every hardship here led me to something greater, or a lesson learned. Moving has definitely made me more accepting of the idea of change, that’s for sure! And, ultimately, i’ve had some of the best moments of my life here, from my first multi pitch climb, to ticking off more mountains and sampling all the local coffee from the area.

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But, i’m ready to move on. I’m ready to try my hand at a different sort of lifestyle, and job too. It just feels like it’s time.

As for the blog, I really hope I can keep writing. There’s no wifi, downside to #caravanlife, but i’m hoping we will find a nearby pub that doesn’t mind my regular wifi usage.

So for now, wishing you guys a beautiful, restful summer, and I hope to write to you all soon! (P.s if you find yourself in the lakes, hit me up!)

 

Over to you:

Any exciting summer plans?

Best thing you ate today? Had THE BEST flapjack from this cute independent bakery/deli in Kendal

 

 

 

The comparison trap + life is messy.

So Andy and I are currently in the midst of packing up our lives and preparing to move (again). As much as I move around, I honestly don’t seem to get anymore comfortable with it, I get super angsty, grumpy and just all round stressed. I make lists, I fret over how much stuff I have, whether i’ll hate it, whether my life is about to fall apart and if i’ve packed enough food to survive the length of time i’ll be there for, because apparently I forget about the existence of supermarkets.

This is the side of my life people don’t see, well besides Andy.

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See, i’ve noticed something funny happening over the last year or so. People I haven’t spoken to in months, years sometimes, have reached out to me congratulating me on my life, saying it inspires them, that they’re jealous. In fact, this week alone I found myself getting two texts from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, both along the very same lines of awe and congratulations.

And, honestly, I’m dumbfounded. 

I know that i’m all too good at putting on a brave face to outsiders, of portraying a cool, calm and collected approach, and the whole ‘yeah I take this whole life business in my stride, i’m totally laid back and not at all a stressy person’ demeanour.

The reality couldn’t be farther from this. 

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Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, to come from a loving and supportive home, to have a boyfriend who inspires and encourages me, to be able to follow my passions in the outdoors. It’s a life I have fought exceptionally hard for.

But, the truth is, that sometimes I still struggle. And, my life is messy. And, i’m not just talking about the stressors of moving around a lot. I’m also talking about my whole life in general. And, I want people to know this. I worry about money. I worry about what I want to be when I finally grow up. I worry about my relationships with those around me. I worry I don’t see my parents enough. Heck, I even worry about whether I have or not i’ve put deodorant on in the morning. I am a total stress case.

The other day I found myself crying on my bed, completely paralysed by the thought of trying to find myself in this world. Everything right now seems so broken and uncertain, it overwhelms me.

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So what am I trying to say here? Well, I guess it would be that the comparison trap sucks. And, none of us are immune. I am by no means trying to big myself up here or say hey look at me I have it all together and people are looking up to me. That’s just not the point of this post. Honestly, everyone struggles, we all have our own battles to fight each day, and I guess we all need the reminder sometimes that that beautiful girl on instagram posting her bikini shots struggles too. She is human, you are human, we are all just humans here trying to figure out this messy business called life.

 

No questions today people, just your thoughts

xo

 

 

To new beginnings…

It’s been a restful few days over here for me, filled with lots of easy mornings, coffee and long walks…oh and cake, because you all know about my addiction to that stuff. I swear cake = crack for me. Anyhow I feel a series of life updates is more than overdue, as things sure have changed a lot for me over here, for the better I hope!

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Firstly, I got my stitches out yesterday!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell i’m excited over here?

The hand itself remains pretty sore, and its still in a dressing, with strict instructions of sticking to rest and not getting it wet, but i’ve got physio appointments booked for next week, so slowly but surely things are hopefully looking up. I still don’t have any sensation back in my left ring finger but they said that could take months, so i’m trying not to get my hopes up, or rush the process too much.

Also, I quit my job. Kind of linked to the first update, but to fill you all in a bit more I basically worked as a Barista for a speciality coffee shop over here. I love coffee, I liked my job too, but in all honesty I think life is too short to stick to doing one thing. The last few months I felt myself getting a little restless, grumpy and well craving a new challenge if i’m being honest. So, my injury came at an opportune time, it gave me the space to think about things and if I wanted to do anything differently. I was also told by many different doctors and nurses that barista-ing just wasn’t going to be a possibility for me anymore, at least not for the next few months. In some ways, it just felt like life was trying to push me in a new direction. Which leads me onto my next update.

We are moving! Talk about an overkill with dramatic life updates, but it really just has been one of those crazy months filled with change.

So, Andy and I like where we live, it’s in a nice enough town right by the Lake District, with good transport links to nearby areas. But truthfully, we were never in love with it here. So, with me quitting my job it led us to look further afield for new job opportunities in more rural locations, which led us to Eskdale. A teeny tiny village in the Western Lakes, near the start of Scafell Pike (UKs highest mountain), where we both found work on a campsite. It’s a pretty neat opportunity where we get to live in a caravan for the summer in a beautiful location, and honestly we couldn’t say no. Especially as it’s not physical work (i’ll be doing a lot of clerical work taking bookings etc), so it’s something I can actually do.

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All these changes have by no means come easily, they involved a whole lot of tears, and hard decisions, but ultimately i’ve found peace in them. I think I got all too caught up in trying to have my life completely figured out, with a stable job, relationship, house etc. When in reality, that’s skipping ahead to the end, without giving myself time to fail, time to discover more what I want to do. I’m learning to realise that where I am right now is okay. That there isn’t a time frame I have to live by. I don’t need to have my whole life mapped out at the age of 21. I don’t need to have a life plan yet. I don’t need to have it all figured out.

 

So here’s to new challenges and adventures

happy easter weekend guys, you’ve made it xx

 

 

 

Life Lately: rest, eat, repeat.

The last few days have been a mix of resting, doctors appointments and trying to have some form of a social life.

Sitting on your butt all day, everyday is hard. It’s genuinely hard to do nothing, and i’d be lying if I said that it hasn’t been full of stress and tears. Right now i’m facing the very real prospect of losing my job as my injury will leave me unable to work for several more weeks or potentially months. There’s nothing I can do to speed up my recovery or get any definitive answers, it’s truly one of those situations where time will tell if i’ll recover fully.

And, i’ve found myself struggling a lot with this fact. It’s hard to not be able to plan for the future. It’s even harder when you find yourself worrying about whether or not you’ll be able to support yourself financially. But, I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have the friends I do, the family I do and the Andy I do too.

Sorry for the slightly depressing intro here, but writing it all out helps me remember, that in amongst the really bad, crap stuff, this week has been filled with some good things too. And instead of constantly reflecting on the negative, I want to shed some light on some of the really wonderful things i’ve done over the last week or so.

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I got to meet Andy’s mum for the first time, which was awesome! It was lovely to meet such a kind hearted and wonderful mother of a man I am truly beyond in love with, and share some wonderful memories with her in a place I love dearly. She came up on Monday and over the course of a few days we showed her around the Lake District and all of our favourite spots, including a short walk up Orrest Head, because those views are so worth it

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I’ve finally got back into reading again. At last! Last year I read a lot. Like a lot a lot. And I have missed it dearly this year. Books are a really good way to just escape for a bit, plus i’m pretty certain i’ve watched all of the series on Netflix right now. wooopss…

Anyway, my current favourite book right now is by Helen Russell, all about when her and her husband uprooted their life to Denmark, supposedly the world’s happiest nation and all that she discovered whilst there. Its a good read, plus it talks all about the danish term ‘hygge’, which everyone seems to be raving about right now.

 

Cake. I’ve eaten a lot of cake. I’m pretty certain cake is my favourite food group. It doesn’t help that there is THE BEST bakery a short drive from where we live, called “More?”. It’s based in Staveley, and they make all sorts of interesting, cute little takeaway cakes. Our favourite is this green matcha, orange and pistachio slice. Looks super weird but tastes out of this world!

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Podcasts! Honestly they’ve been my saviour the last week. At the moment i’m really into Georgie’s ‘Chasing Joy’ over at init4thelongrun, I just like how honest and real she is when she talks about various issues such as body image, veganism, fitness and self care. It’s relatable, and for me that’s exactly the type of thing I want to listen to.

 

That’s it for now, as I have an afternoon of reading planned ahead of me. Happy Thursday xxx

 

 

Why I choose travel.

Do you guys believe in fate? Or the idea that everything happens for a reason? I think i’m pretty conflicted on this subject. On the one hand I don’t believe that we are powerless, that we just walk through a life that has already been planned out for us. However, I do feel like certain things happen to us so that we can learn from them.

Take my current situation. After being diagnosed with lyme’s disease, I continued to work, exercise and remain pretty darn busy despite feeling like poop. Approximately a week later I injured my hand, got surgery and strict advice to lay off work and all forms of exercise until my stitches are removed.

Life is funny eh? It’s almost as if my body just shut down, curled up and refused to continue. A bit like when Andy forgets to feed me on a long walk 😉

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I’ll be the first to admit that I like to keep busy, to make my plate a little too full at times, but here I think the real reason I was forced to stop for a moment was just to take a breather and figure out what next.

Deep down I think i’ve been a little bit too caught up in the big stressors in life: jobs, houses, taxes, social obligations….I could go on for days. To put it bluntly, I became too focused on finishing up the story of my life and tying up any loose ends, as if there were some sort of time constraint on the whole thing. As if I had to get everything sorted, right now.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love being settled in a place. I love having a house I call home. I love knowing where to grab my morning coffee and the best place to eat some cake.

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plus the mountains. I do really love the mountains here!

But, at the same time I know deep down that I have a sense of restlessness kicking in. A part of me burning to pack all my things up and take off on a new adventure. See back when I quit school, I made a promise myself to say yes more. To listen to my gut and take off on any new adventure my heart desires (within reason, calm down mum).

So where does that leave me now?

Well I love the lake district, its become home for me in a way I never could have imagined. But, I know i’m not ready to give up traveling altogether. Ultimately I just really like being a nomad, knowing that I can pack all my things up into one tiny bag and see where the road takes me, who i’ll meet and the places i’ll see. Traveling has always helped me figure things out for myself, and right now there is still so much left for me to get into.

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, where I want to live or even what type of person I want to be.

It’s all wide open.

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But, I know the road can help me with that. Because as I tick each destination off my list I grow closer to my passions, to my ideals, to the exact kind of life I want to lead.

For now though I think i’ll plan to stay here till September or October. Missing summer in the lakes would definitely be a huge regret of mine, plus your girl really needs to save a lot more dollar before she can think of taking a new trip.

I’m not really sure what my exact point to this post was (sorry i’m probably not supposed to admit that whoops!). But, I guess it’s that i’m not done. The me you get here isn’t the finished article or the end product. My journey is still very much ongoing, and i’m most definitely figuring it all out!

sending love and hugs

xxxx

as always all thoughts are welcome:)

6 months on: Lessons learned in the Lakes

Do you ever just take a minute to stop, breathe, and then proceed to get really overwhelmed that this is your life, and it does just seem to fly by?

I have had far too much time to do that lately, if you read my last post you’ll understand exactly why. Anyhow, a dud arm combined with a bout of cabin fever and too much free time, led me on a walk around my neighbourhood today when I got thinking.

It’s been nearly six months since I moved to the Lake District.

6 months.

What initially started out as a a simple vacation, a chance to see somewhere beautiful, ended up culminating in a new home and one of the biggest adventures of my life this far. And so, I thought i’d share some of the things i’ve learned from my little life in the lakes ranging from the big to the ever so small.

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Living in a tourist destination can be tough.

Okay this is something I genuinely never really considered would be an issue. In many ways I still feel like a tourist myself, being a typical southerner i’m still getting used to the fact that strangers up north tend to say hi to each other on the street, and that no it doesn’t mean they’re trying to mug you.

But when you’re late for work because of the influx of cars from day-trippers, you can’t even get a parking spot, you’re favourite cafe has zero free tables and there’s a literal queue of people walking up a mountain when all you crave is some alone time, then trust me it can get pretty tiresome.

It’s a double edged sword though, as with no tourists there would be literally no work here, for anyone, especially little old me. Tourism is what runs the lakes. So whilst I would ideally love to live alone in a remote little mountain town, i’ve come to realise that it’s a necessary drawback of living here.

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Not everyday is about adventure, but that shouldn’t stop you from appreciating the small things

When Andy and I first moved here, I definitely had an idealised version of how our lives would be. That everyday would be filled with exploring, running up mountains and taking it all in. In reality, we both have to work, and work does take up a lot more time than I think we would both like it too, but right now it’s where we need to be.

But, i’ve come to realise that is shouldn’t  stop me, or even us from appreciating the beauty around us, even if it’s just seeing a sunrise over the mountaintops on our way to work or a quick pre work run up to a viewpoint. It’s about finding a little time each day to stop, pause and remember just how lucky I am to call this beautiful place home.

Living with a significant other can be challenging, but trust your gut.

I remember when I first told my parents and friends that Andy and I had decide to move in together, and the amount of negative responses I received. Having only known each other for a couple months after we made the decision I think people thought we were both nuts, probably still do.

And i’d be lying if I said it were easy all the time, but I had a gut feeling right from the start that it would work. And so far, it has. Sure Andy occasionally forgets to wash up his mugs, do the laundry or tidy up our room, but I can honestly say he’s the best roommate (and friend) i’ve ever had, and we don’t tire of each other’s company…yet;)

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Everyone knows everyone, and this can both help and hinder you

Coming from living in London most of my life, where employers, friends and family are most likely never connected, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t totally overwhelming going from a total nobody to suddenly entering a very real community.

It can be unnerving then when as someone new, people become very interested in every little detail about you, and before you know it you feel a little like the town’s biggest gossip (especially when I decided to switch jobs..), but ultimately I would say I haven’t totally disliked this experience. Sure, I have no desire to hear or pay attention to town gossip, but it can be nice when you feel like you recognise more than a few familiar faces on the street.

People drink tea here. A lot.

Again I think this is definitely more of a northern thing, but tea time is taken pretty seriously. And, as  non tea enthusiast, and strictly of the coffee only genre, I have been branded as more than a little weird.

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That’s it for now folks, although i’m sure I could probably sit here and write for days about all the things i’ve realised since moving here, but i’ll save some things for a later post!

for now sending love and wishing you all a restful weekend

xxx