On finding those happy moments.

Hello friends!

Recently life has been a little all over the place, and honestly downright messy at times. Having spent the last year moving my life all over the UK, has finally caught up with me, and i’m definitely learning that whilst you can change your scenery, your own personal problems sure do stay with you, no matter where the heck you live.

That’s not to say that i’m not enjoying certain moments as they come around, but more that I am simply learning to accept growth, change and being happy when things are very far from perfect.

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You see, it’s all too easy to say when X will happen, then i’ll be happy. Or if I go and get that promotion then things will all get better, or if I move here everything will get better. Yes, sometimes these things can add to our happiness, sometimes getting that promotion makes you feel more secure in your job or gives you more purpose. Or, moving house makes you feel more at home. These things can be great! But, I think the major problem with always relying on the future is that you miss out on the now.

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We are all victims to it, and i’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been struggling with similar feelings recently. Moving to a new city with the intentions of staying put has brought with it some serious growing pains, and i’ve had to do a heck a lot of self evaluation, and work toward figuring out some pretty big questions. There have been restless nights, days spent exhausted, evenings full of tears. It’s been hard guys. 

But, the truth is, life will never be perfect, and if you put so much pressure on waiting for everything to be, you will never get to sit back and look at the beauty of what you have right now. Because there is so much in life to be thankful for.

It’s about finding your happy places, the things that make your heart sing, those little moments in a day where everything feels at peace. Sometimes for me that means going on a run and discovering new areas, finding an amazing view point right at my door step, evenings spent climbing. Sometimes it’s as damn simple as a good cup of coffee right before the madness of my day begins.

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At the end of the day, life is a collection of moments, a series of sequences, images that we hold dear. And, I sure want to make sure I remember and enjoy each and every step along the way.

xoxo

 

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I’m back + why I needed a break.

It sure has been a little whiles for me on the blog over here, but it was one of those breaks that I honestly needed in order to get some of the big stuff figured out.

In the space of three months i’ve had to find a new place to call home, rent a new apartment, get a job and figure out what I want the next chapter in my life to look like. And for that reason, the best decision for me was to take a step back from writing about my life, in order to actually get my life back.

So, I feel like I should fill you guys in on everything in between, and all the new news!

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If you’ve followed my blog, you would remember that I was living in the Lake District, truly one of my favourite places in the world, by far! However, back in March I had an accident where I severed some nerves in my left hand, ultimately meaning I had to leave my job to focus on having surgery, recovery and time to heal….it was a stressful few months to say the least.

Ultimately what followed was a sort of realisation, where as sad as it was, I figured that what I needed right now, just wasn’t in the lakes for me anymore. I loved the place with all my heart, and still miss it dearly, but it just wasn’t where I needed to be right now. Admitting that was a hard step, but once I did, it made it a hella lot easier to leave!

What followed was a month spent back at home in London, with Andy and I trying to figure out exactly what we both needed from a place in regards, to work, access to the outdoors and our overall sense of well being. Guys, we literally drew up lists and weighed up the pros and cons of various places in the UK. Things got real. 

In the end, Sheffield (south yorkshire) came out on top for both of us, and so we set about starting our new life here, and moving sure was not easy! It took us ages to find a place, jobs we were both happy enough with and then figure out the logistics of moving all of our stuff up there. Honestly, we are still trying to figure things out even now.

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But, it’s been a month in and things are finally starting to settle down a bit, enough so that we are finally back out there having our adventures again.

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A big thing for us, was being able to live in a place which was aesthetically pleasing, with good access to somewhere that had great walking/running/climbing. And since Sheffield is literally right next to the peak district, it ticked all our boxes. The city is also pretty much in a punch bowl, so walking up any hill leaves you with the most stunning views.

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It’s funny, I am not a city girl at all, I hate cars, mess, pollution and noise, and it’s definitely been an adjustment moving someplace where all these things occur on a daily basis. A part of me definitely felt as though I was losing my identity when I finally admitted that maybe a city was what I needed right now. Could I still be a nature lover and city worker? Can I really stand the thought of working back in a more fast paced/business the environment? Will I mind commuting into the city centre each day? I’d be lying if I said it’s all gone smoothly. I’ve definitely had many moments of self doubt here, thinking that I was making a mistake, missing my old life and struggling to adapt to a new work situation and make friends.

But, i’ve also had moments of clarity, of feeling perfectly at peace, a sense of belonging and of being home. I’ve even had the chance to reconnect with an old friend who moved to the city several years back.

If i’ve learned anything these past few months, it’s just how many possibilities there are out there for you. I never thought that I would be where I am now, and actually not just be getting through the days but enjoying them too. My life is by no means perfect, but i’m pretty darn proud with how it’s turned out.

 

xo

 

Sometimes it’s just about showing up for yourself.

It feels like forever since I last wrote. In reality, I think it’s only been a couple of weeks or so. But a whole lot has happened.

The last few weeks have been rough. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time at all you’ll know that I had recently moved from a small town in Cumbria called Kendal, to the western side of the Lake District to work on a campsite. It was a move both me and my boyfriend Andy were super excited for. The site we were working on was beautiful, and the area had all we wanted in terms of climbing and running. It was the perfect fit. Or so I assumed.

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Honestly, I had never felt less like myself. Typically I like to pride myself on being able to roll with the punches, on being able to accept whatever comes my way and adapt quickly to change. So, when I suddenly found myself miserable, spending nights crying and days where I felt paralysed, unable to get out of bed, I knew something was wrong.

I’ve never spent much time on the blog discussing my mental health before, but that’s not because i’m ashamed of it, more it just wasn’t a huge part of my life anymore. Back when I was around 17 I had suffered pretty badly from depression, which continued until the age of 20. Following that, I found myself making some pretty big life changes such as dropping out of uni, rediscovering passions and making new friendships, all in a bid to help fight the dark thoughts in my head. And, for the most part it worked. I was never totally immune from bad days, but they became few and far between. I learned ways to refocus my mind and distract myself and, ultimately, I was a heck of a lot happier.

Cue, the intense paralysing fear and sheer disappointment when my depression started to return. I had worked so hard, fought so many battles to get to where  I am today. Here, I was in arguably one of the most beautiful places in the UK, and I found myself unable to appreciate or smile about anything. I felt lost. 

It’s funny sitting here writing this now, seeing as one of the last posts I wrote was this one, where I discussed how I had received a fair few compliments on how perfect my life seemed. And, right now I guess I sit here writing this with my tail slightly between my legs, almost embarrassed that i’m struggling, when honestly I think the first step is to admit that once again, no one has everything going for them. We all struggle. We all have our own battles that we must fight against. We may not always win, but we just have to show up.

So what now?

Well in case you hadn’t already guessed, I left the job. And, am currently sat jobless alongside Andy at my parents house back in London. Some would call this giving up, but for me i’m just showing up for myself. I’m putting myself first and figuring out exactly what I need right now to get through the black haze in my mind.

I want to finish this post by saying that I truly do love the Lake District, i’m pretty sure i’m it’s biggest advocate. The time I spent there was healing in so many ways. It’s where I learned what I was capable of, how to stand on my own two feet, where me and Andy created our first home together. It will always be a place held so so dear to my heart. But for now, I know I need to be somewhere where I can get more of the type of help I need. Where I can take several steps back and figure where to go from here. I may not be 100% okay, but i’m working on it, and for now, that’s enough.

As for the future, I am far from done both on this blog and in my life itself. Whilst this time at home is about rest, it’s also about figuring out what I need from any new home I may have. And Andy and I have been researching a few places we could move to, and plan on taking a couple of trips within the next week to see if we like any of them.

Sending my love xxxx

 

Any thoughts or comments are always welcomed

 

 

It’s a wrap folks.

Where has time gone???

One second i’m moving my life up north, suitcases all packed, endless cozy blankets and fairy lights in tow. And the next, I’m packing everything up again, wondering if somehow, overnight, my belongings have multiplied.

I’m no stranger to goodbyes. I’ve been through the process all too many times now, but it doesn’t ever seem to get any easier. I always find myself turning into a blubbering mess around this time. Honestly. I even cried watching ‘how I met your mother’ last night, for real. 

But, it’s funny, because I think back to this time last year, and how similar it was. A year ago today I was about to embark on a new life on the coast, moving out of my family home (for good this time), trying out a new job, creating new friends. It was all just beginning. One year later and here I am doing exactly the same..preparing for something new.

It’s an adventure.

The last 6 months have been so good to me, and that’s not to say it all went swimmingly, because it for sure didn’t. I definitely had my fair share of dramas, from difficult housemates, switching jobs, getting lyme’s and ending up needing surgery. But, as a firm believer that nothing in life is random, every hardship here led me to something greater, or a lesson learned. Moving has definitely made me more accepting of the idea of change, that’s for sure! And, ultimately, i’ve had some of the best moments of my life here, from my first multi pitch climb, to ticking off more mountains and sampling all the local coffee from the area.

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But, i’m ready to move on. I’m ready to try my hand at a different sort of lifestyle, and job too. It just feels like it’s time.

As for the blog, I really hope I can keep writing. There’s no wifi, downside to #caravanlife, but i’m hoping we will find a nearby pub that doesn’t mind my regular wifi usage.

So for now, wishing you guys a beautiful, restful summer, and I hope to write to you all soon! (P.s if you find yourself in the lakes, hit me up!)

 

Over to you:

Any exciting summer plans?

Best thing you ate today? Had THE BEST flapjack from this cute independent bakery/deli in Kendal

 

 

 

The comparison trap + life is messy.

So Andy and I are currently in the midst of packing up our lives and preparing to move (again). As much as I move around, I honestly don’t seem to get anymore comfortable with it, I get super angsty, grumpy and just all round stressed. I make lists, I fret over how much stuff I have, whether i’ll hate it, whether my life is about to fall apart and if i’ve packed enough food to survive the length of time i’ll be there for, because apparently I forget about the existence of supermarkets.

This is the side of my life people don’t see, well besides Andy.

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See, i’ve noticed something funny happening over the last year or so. People I haven’t spoken to in months, years sometimes, have reached out to me congratulating me on my life, saying it inspires them, that they’re jealous. In fact, this week alone I found myself getting two texts from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, both along the very same lines of awe and congratulations.

And, honestly, I’m dumbfounded. 

I know that i’m all too good at putting on a brave face to outsiders, of portraying a cool, calm and collected approach, and the whole ‘yeah I take this whole life business in my stride, i’m totally laid back and not at all a stressy person’ demeanour.

The reality couldn’t be farther from this. 

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Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, to come from a loving and supportive home, to have a boyfriend who inspires and encourages me, to be able to follow my passions in the outdoors. It’s a life I have fought exceptionally hard for.

But, the truth is, that sometimes I still struggle. And, my life is messy. And, i’m not just talking about the stressors of moving around a lot. I’m also talking about my whole life in general. And, I want people to know this. I worry about money. I worry about what I want to be when I finally grow up. I worry about my relationships with those around me. I worry I don’t see my parents enough. Heck, I even worry about whether I have or not i’ve put deodorant on in the morning. I am a total stress case.

The other day I found myself crying on my bed, completely paralysed by the thought of trying to find myself in this world. Everything right now seems so broken and uncertain, it overwhelms me.

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So what am I trying to say here? Well, I guess it would be that the comparison trap sucks. And, none of us are immune. I am by no means trying to big myself up here or say hey look at me I have it all together and people are looking up to me. That’s just not the point of this post. Honestly, everyone struggles, we all have our own battles to fight each day, and I guess we all need the reminder sometimes that that beautiful girl on instagram posting her bikini shots struggles too. She is human, you are human, we are all just humans here trying to figure out this messy business called life.

 

No questions today people, just your thoughts

xo

 

 

To new beginnings…

It’s been a restful few days over here for me, filled with lots of easy mornings, coffee and long walks…oh and cake, because you all know about my addiction to that stuff. I swear cake = crack for me. Anyhow I feel a series of life updates is more than overdue, as things sure have changed a lot for me over here, for the better I hope!

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Firstly, I got my stitches out yesterday!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell i’m excited over here?

The hand itself remains pretty sore, and its still in a dressing, with strict instructions of sticking to rest and not getting it wet, but i’ve got physio appointments booked for next week, so slowly but surely things are hopefully looking up. I still don’t have any sensation back in my left ring finger but they said that could take months, so i’m trying not to get my hopes up, or rush the process too much.

Also, I quit my job. Kind of linked to the first update, but to fill you all in a bit more I basically worked as a Barista for a speciality coffee shop over here. I love coffee, I liked my job too, but in all honesty I think life is too short to stick to doing one thing. The last few months I felt myself getting a little restless, grumpy and well craving a new challenge if i’m being honest. So, my injury came at an opportune time, it gave me the space to think about things and if I wanted to do anything differently. I was also told by many different doctors and nurses that barista-ing just wasn’t going to be a possibility for me anymore, at least not for the next few months. In some ways, it just felt like life was trying to push me in a new direction. Which leads me onto my next update.

We are moving! Talk about an overkill with dramatic life updates, but it really just has been one of those crazy months filled with change.

So, Andy and I like where we live, it’s in a nice enough town right by the Lake District, with good transport links to nearby areas. But truthfully, we were never in love with it here. So, with me quitting my job it led us to look further afield for new job opportunities in more rural locations, which led us to Eskdale. A teeny tiny village in the Western Lakes, near the start of Scafell Pike (UKs highest mountain), where we both found work on a campsite. It’s a pretty neat opportunity where we get to live in a caravan for the summer in a beautiful location, and honestly we couldn’t say no. Especially as it’s not physical work (i’ll be doing a lot of clerical work taking bookings etc), so it’s something I can actually do.

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All these changes have by no means come easily, they involved a whole lot of tears, and hard decisions, but ultimately i’ve found peace in them. I think I got all too caught up in trying to have my life completely figured out, with a stable job, relationship, house etc. When in reality, that’s skipping ahead to the end, without giving myself time to fail, time to discover more what I want to do. I’m learning to realise that where I am right now is okay. That there isn’t a time frame I have to live by. I don’t need to have my whole life mapped out at the age of 21. I don’t need to have a life plan yet. I don’t need to have it all figured out.

 

So here’s to new challenges and adventures

happy easter weekend guys, you’ve made it xx

 

 

 

Life Lately: rest, eat, repeat.

The last few days have been a mix of resting, doctors appointments and trying to have some form of a social life.

Sitting on your butt all day, everyday is hard. It’s genuinely hard to do nothing, and i’d be lying if I said that it hasn’t been full of stress and tears. Right now i’m facing the very real prospect of losing my job as my injury will leave me unable to work for several more weeks or potentially months. There’s nothing I can do to speed up my recovery or get any definitive answers, it’s truly one of those situations where time will tell if i’ll recover fully.

And, i’ve found myself struggling a lot with this fact. It’s hard to not be able to plan for the future. It’s even harder when you find yourself worrying about whether or not you’ll be able to support yourself financially. But, I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have the friends I do, the family I do and the Andy I do too.

Sorry for the slightly depressing intro here, but writing it all out helps me remember, that in amongst the really bad, crap stuff, this week has been filled with some good things too. And instead of constantly reflecting on the negative, I want to shed some light on some of the really wonderful things i’ve done over the last week or so.

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I got to meet Andy’s mum for the first time, which was awesome! It was lovely to meet such a kind hearted and wonderful mother of a man I am truly beyond in love with, and share some wonderful memories with her in a place I love dearly. She came up on Monday and over the course of a few days we showed her around the Lake District and all of our favourite spots, including a short walk up Orrest Head, because those views are so worth it

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I’ve finally got back into reading again. At last! Last year I read a lot. Like a lot a lot. And I have missed it dearly this year. Books are a really good way to just escape for a bit, plus i’m pretty certain i’ve watched all of the series on Netflix right now. wooopss…

Anyway, my current favourite book right now is by Helen Russell, all about when her and her husband uprooted their life to Denmark, supposedly the world’s happiest nation and all that she discovered whilst there. Its a good read, plus it talks all about the danish term ‘hygge’, which everyone seems to be raving about right now.

 

Cake. I’ve eaten a lot of cake. I’m pretty certain cake is my favourite food group. It doesn’t help that there is THE BEST bakery a short drive from where we live, called “More?”. It’s based in Staveley, and they make all sorts of interesting, cute little takeaway cakes. Our favourite is this green matcha, orange and pistachio slice. Looks super weird but tastes out of this world!

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Podcasts! Honestly they’ve been my saviour the last week. At the moment i’m really into Georgie’s ‘Chasing Joy’ over at init4thelongrun, I just like how honest and real she is when she talks about various issues such as body image, veganism, fitness and self care. It’s relatable, and for me that’s exactly the type of thing I want to listen to.

 

That’s it for now, as I have an afternoon of reading planned ahead of me. Happy Thursday xxx