So Andy and I are currently in the midst of packing up our lives and preparing to move (again). As much as I move around, I honestly don’t seem to get anymore comfortable with it, I get super angsty, grumpy and just all round stressed. I make lists, I fret over how much stuff I have, whether i’ll hate it, whether my life is about to fall apart and if i’ve packed enough food to survive the length of time i’ll be there for, because apparently I forget about the existence of supermarkets.
This is the side of my life people don’t see, well besides Andy.
See, i’ve noticed something funny happening over the last year or so. People I haven’t spoken to in months, years sometimes, have reached out to me congratulating me on my life, saying it inspires them, that they’re jealous. In fact, this week alone I found myself getting two texts from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, both along the very same lines of awe and congratulations.
And, honestly, I’m dumbfounded.
I know that i’m all too good at putting on a brave face to outsiders, of portraying a cool, calm and collected approach, and the whole ‘yeah I take this whole life business in my stride, i’m totally laid back and not at all a stressy person’ demeanour.
The reality couldn’t be farther from this.
Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, to come from a loving and supportive home, to have a boyfriend who inspires and encourages me, to be able to follow my passions in the outdoors. It’s a life I have fought exceptionally hard for.
But, the truth is, that sometimes I still struggle. And, my life is messy. And, i’m not just talking about the stressors of moving around a lot. I’m also talking about my whole life in general. And, I want people to know this. I worry about money. I worry about what I want to be when I finally grow up. I worry about my relationships with those around me. I worry I don’t see my parents enough. Heck, I even worry about whether I have or not i’ve put deodorant on in the morning. I am a total stress case.
The other day I found myself crying on my bed, completely paralysed by the thought of trying to find myself in this world. Everything right now seems so broken and uncertain, it overwhelms me.
So what am I trying to say here? Well, I guess it would be that the comparison trap sucks. And, none of us are immune. I am by no means trying to big myself up here or say hey look at me I have it all together and people are looking up to me. That’s just not the point of this post. Honestly, everyone struggles, we all have our own battles to fight each day, and I guess we all need the reminder sometimes that that beautiful girl on instagram posting her bikini shots struggles too. She is human, you are human, we are all just humans here trying to figure out this messy business called life.
No questions today people, just your thoughts